February 3rd, 2011

A Tale of Three Dragons

Once upon a time, there were three little girls who went to the police academy.

And they were all assigned VERY hazardous duties….

But not as hazardous as your average raid leader. I’m sure you all realize this is a kill post. Yes, there’s a dead dragon at the end. If you can’t wait, just skip to the end. But before we get there, I thought we might take a moment to immortalize in text just what your average raid leader has to go through to get to things like a kill of Nefarian.

The myriad of interesting excuses and explanations a raid leader hears throughout the night are entertaining. Here’s a selection from the past few weeks. For each one, I’ll help you along with the issue followed by a graphic illustration!

“My girlfriend needs me to log off. She’s upset.” –>

“My router appears to be broken. I don’t know why I can’t stay connected.” –>

“I have to log off. Someone’s shooting at my house.” –>

(FORGOT ONE): “Someone pulled the fire alarm and we have to evacuate the dorm.” –>

Champion excuse ever: “My next door neighbor is in labor and I have to take her to the hospital” –>

And of course, there’s the problem that “My dagger broke during the fight, that’s why my DPS was so low!” (Yes, it really did happen on the kill) –>

All of this generally leads your poor raid leader to go prospecting in his toolbox for something to take the edge off. Something like…

Of course, if we think we have it bad with whiny emo girlfriends, we should probably consider what poor Nefarian has to go through. I mean, he loves her so much that he rezzes her from the dead as a zombie and this is what he gets? (Yes, nerds. I know Nef and Ony are brother and sister, but if you think he’s not tapping that, you are sorely mistaken.)

I’d be in a bad mood if I were Nef too. I mean, he’s been a lean mean fighting machine for a long time. Check him out back in BWL:

And the guy has only gotten better with age!

But when he goes to rez his girlfriend, all he gets is some cheesy mechanical monstrosity. Think about it. You’re Nefarian. Your girlfriend’s a zombie. You got these 25 guys wandering into your house and tearing shit up. Killing your pet snake. Messing with your security system. Ringing the doorbell OVER AND OVER AND OVER and if that just doesn’t piss off the blind dog, I don’t know what will. And don’t even get me started on your crazy ass cousin who lives in the basement where he keeps playing with his junior chemistry set. The red, blue, and green smoke coming up the stairs is just driving you batty. Of COURSE you’re in a bad mood. But know what puts you in a worse mood?

This:

With all that going on, some jerk comes in the front door uninvited and starts laying down a bunch of cooked pork trying to lure you out with the odor of bacon. And we all know that everything is better with bacon. Including, but not limited to, roast dragon:

So there’s your kill shot. BUT WAIT! you say. You said a tale of THREE dragons. Well, yes I did. It so happened that Nefarian laid down like such a pansy, that we had time to wander over to kill his partner in crime Al’Akir (he of the tremendous overcompensating sword…see previous post!) and the wind lord was so impressed that he laid down in one take just like an experienced porn actress. He provided us with our third dragon of the night: The Reins of the Drake of the South Wind. It’s much prettier than your average mount. Check it out:

For next time, HEROIC MODES. If you think the officership is emo now, just wait until heroic Halfrus. I’ll be back with further enlightening illustrations for your viewing pleasure soon!

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