August 5th, 2011

In Medias Res

An alert to you dedicated readers of the exploits of Grandeur, this kill post will feature in medias res. (Parenthetically, who says you can’t learn stuffs while playing video games!) Additionally, I offer you this public service announcement. This post will contain no cheap “Hokey Pokey” jokes. Because, honestly, that shit has been done.

So as you all know, Grandeur dispatched the slow muttering giant Lord Rhyolith the other night. This chronicle of the kill starts at the end with the fall of the large giant, he of great witticisms such as “Nuisances! Nuisances!” Makes the mob sound like the old dude who used to live down the block from me when I was a kid who kept getting pissed off because we played football in the street. Anyway, consider dead Lord Rhyolith.

I would like, however, to take you back to the beginning for a moment so you can consider the epic KILL POST THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. Many of you probably do not know that Lord Rhyolith was originally named Anthrycist. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but anyone who’s been in Grandeur for a while can testify to my tendency to mispronounce names. Just ask our druid tank heh-ROT about that. Anyway, when Cataclysm was in beta, I saw the mob list with Anthrycist on the list and I naturally read it as “ANTI-CHRIST!”

The kill post possibilities seemed endless to me. I mean, I could start with something like this:

And just go from there! There seemed to be no end to the entertaining possibilities. (And yes, that picture is just for you Aglia.)

Obviously, Blizzard got wind of the ideas that I and several of my contemporary bloggers and posters must have had for the mob, and he was renamed to the far more tame Lord Rhyolith. I emote a heavy sigh at the lost brilliance. But, forward!

I actually think that Blizz sort of missed the boat on Mr. Rhyolith. I mean, you control the guy by driving him with his legs. Consider the possibilities if they’d done something like this:

I mean, who wouldn’t have wanted to hear Aglia and Gano screaming “HARD REAR RIGHT!” You wanna talk about endless kill post possibilities. That would have been almost as good as the Anti-Christ stuff. Ah, the lost masterpieces I could have made. I bemoan them. Honestly, it occurs to me now that this would have been a really cool heroic version. Don’t change anything except give the guy eight legs. Or possibly even more:

Driver: “EVERYONE GET ON LEG TWENTY-FOUR! HARD TWENTY-FOUR!!!”

Onward. As I mentioned, the secret to controlling the wandering giant is beating on his legs. Now, I don’t know about you, but couldn’t Blizzard have done something a little bit better in that regard. Lord R’s gams aren’t exactly…mmmm…shapely. We could have had something more like this:

I guess the problem then would have been we had Gano driving and he would have spent all his time trying to look up the Lady Rhyolith’s skirt. So that probably wouldn’t have worked out too well for us.

Anyway, as Grandeur set about the task of controlling the wandering giant rock dude, we eventually learned that there was a fundamental weakness in Lord Rhyolith’s makeup, one which we could easily exploit. It turns out that Lord Rhyolith loves games. He’s completely incapable of saying no when offered the opportunity play one. Thus, Grandeur brought out the one sure-fire item that would victimize Lord Rhyolith:

(FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, STEVE! NOT THAT ONE! Sorry everyone. I got this new intern and he’s a damn idi….nevermind. Hmm….looking in that picture though, does anyone else see a pink paladin whirling in the middle of that twister? Maybe it’s just my imagination. I see a tornado now and I think there’s a paladin in it.)

There! This is the key to Lord Rhyolith’s demise. I present you with the surefire strategy to defeating Lord Rhyolith the thundering wandering rock guy:

“RIIIGHT! FOOOOT! GREEEEEEEN!” “LEEEFT! HAAAND! REEEEDDD! Oh shit.” Crash.

Grandeur will be back soon with more entertainment for you in the form of further humorous kill posts. Our next may be delayed a bit though. Venestia is purported to be afk screaming because there’s a big spider in the house that she wants Gano to kill. Paladins are OP, but I’m not really sure he can solo this one:

For the usual video stylings of Teribleterry, please scroll down to the next post. See you next time.

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