September 20th, 2011

I find the weirdest shit on the internet

So as many of you might have imagined, when I do these posts I come up with an idea and then I go searching for humorous shit to throw at you guys in the hopes that someone out there will at least chuckle at my adolescent wit. Occasionally, it actually works. But in the course of my travels, I find some weird shit. I’m not sure whether this is because of the way search engines parse the stuff I enter or what, but consider this picture:

I got that from searching “airplane attacked by birds.” Now what in the fuck does Kristin Stewart wearing some strange polka-hearted wrap have to do with airplanes? And why, exactly, would the picture be adorned with that particular legend? I have No. Fucking. Idea. I tried to read the blog it came from to get some sense of the thing just because I was so intrigued by how google search drew the parallel, but it was some odd stream of consciousness shit. I couldn’t figure out if he was pissed at Kristen Stewart or desperately wanted to bed her down. Or maybe both. Or maybe it was a she. I don’t know, but it was strange. And I still don’t understand how airplanes fit in here.

Anyway, yes this is a kill post. After a week of work and concentration, we put paid to the fiery phoenix Alysrazor who is, I think, some strange corrupted manifestation of the green dragon Alysra or something. Apparently, this doesn’t fit with the lore because when trying to figure it out I found a host of angry posts from Blizzard fanbois who had memorized WoW’s backstory the way those crazy kids at the Scripps spelling bee memorize the origin of obscure greek words like adenomelablastoma. And no, I have no idea what that is. I found it on the internet and it sounded cool. I don’t make the news. I just report it!

(UPDATE: In my never ending quest to bring you all the information I can, I actually found a page describing adenomelablastoma. Let it not be said that my posts leave you wondering.)

It is, admittedly, an appropriate encounter. I drew several parallels with my other avian experiences while learning this fight. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know what this is:

My wife convinced me to download Angry Birds. Let me tell you friends and neighbors, this has greatly imperiled the continued existence of my shiny iPad. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I’ve almost hurled the damn thing across the room in frustration when the stupid yellow bird saw fit to bang his little yellow turbo beak on some outcropping of stone, rendering my progress on that puzzle moot. The Alysrazor encounter is similar in design. You spend 8 minutes flawlessly executing the damnable thing then your tank clips a fire worm or your priest (ahem…me) gets stuck out of range for a split second or someone loses focus on the location of one of the 87 brushfires that are roaming the floor of the battlefield and poof! That’s when I say “Stand in the fire.” Fortunately, I can’t throw my PC against the wall.

So, frustrating birdies. Check. Then you consider the presence of the hatchlings which imprint on you. And these aren’t cute little hatchlings. They’re angry little hatchlings. However, I think Blizz sorta missed the boat on this one. I mean, think how much cooler the fight would be if you had to deal with these little babies throwing a tantrum.

It would be even better if they like emoted their love for their Mommy, Cerrus. Now THAT would have made for a cool screenshot. But, alas, no such creativity. I got stock skeleton birds trying to peck the eyes out of our tanks. The least they could have done was spruce up Aly’s little room somewhat.

Now here’s an even better idea. What if you didn’t have to kill the hatchlings, but charm them? Perhaps by using an appropriately themed dance:

Yes. That is Morris Day.
Yes. He is doing The Bird.
Yes. For those of you who weren’t born before 1990, this was one of those crazy 80’s dance crazes that inexplicably turned a completely mediocre collection of Prince groupies into momentarily famous musical artists.

So yeah, it would have been way cooler if you had to like dance the hatchlings to death or something, preferably with the accompanying music playing from the WoW soundtrack while you did it. Really, how much could it cost to license bad 80’s pop music? Now that would have been creative! I could foresee unintended consequences however, possibly ending with a blue post about the increased suicide rate amongst WoW players. And then, you have to wonder how you would nerf it? Would they have to tone it down to music by Sheila E?

But getting back to birds, I will again date myself by admitting that as soon as I saw the Alysrazor encounter, I couldn’t help but have this image pop into my head:

When I was a little kid, my mother sat me down in front of the television and said “Watch this movie. You’ll like it.” I think I was about five years old. That should probably tell you something both about my strange personality and my mother’s copious lack of parenting skills.

Did I mention that we lived on the west coast of San Francisco literally yards from the biggest collection of seagulls that I personally have ever seen or heard of? My little five year old ass was scared shitless for months that the seagulls were going to peck my ass to death if I went outside. So instead, I stayed inside and watched more terrifying movies that my mother put me in front of. It was a vicious cycle I tell you, a vicious cycle. The Birds did, however, have one redeeming feature. Tippi Hedren.

The lady couldn’t act for shit, but in her day, she was at least moderately hot. I guess you could say the same for Kristin Stewart (see how I come back to the beginning of the post! Life is like a wheel!) if you’re into the whole mumbling I-should-have-been-a-goth-but-instead-I-got-the-female-lead-role-in-Twilight-and-now-you-have-to-watch-my-fail-acting-for-the-next-decade sorta thing. She doesn’t really work for me. I still think they should have just cast Ashley Greene as the lead, who I am convinced has filmed a whole slew of low budget porn. I search the internet for it with unabashed fervor.

This is the point in the post where I would normally wrap things up and give you the money sho….er…kill shot that I took of our triumphant band standing around atop the corpse of our vanquished foe. But I was in a hurry to get some time in on heroic Beth’tilac, so all you get is this:

I’ll try to come up with a good screenshot of either a squashed spider or a fallen giant for our next installment. In the meantime, I leave you in the capable hands of our world-famous videographer, Teribleterry. See you soon.

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