December 16th, 2011

Taste the Rainbow

So first thing’s first. As is my tendency, I once again forgot to get a kill shot of our most recently fallen enemy, Yor’sahj the Unsleeping. (BTW Blizzard, can you not just like call some mob Timothy or something? All this “unsleeping” shit drives my spellchecker batty.) However, in my never ending quest to keep you entertained, I do have a substitute for you at the end of this post. If you simply can’t stand the suspense, scroll down to the end and find out for yourself. I give you this profile of the fallen old one guy in life.

Additionally, lest you think I’m taking credit for our hard work where none is due since I forgot to get a kill shot, I offer you the achievement banner. You’ll just have to trust that I’m not rolling with one of those faker achievement mods since this is all I really got:

Now we all know that this fight has gotten a very popular nickname in the past several weeks. I’ll give you a hint:

Skittles seems likely. I mean after all, each of the little blobbies does look very similar to one of the delicious candy treats. But this set me to thinking….yes, again. I’m sure most of you have heard the old adage about having to eat all the green MnMs because they promote sexual endurance. (Which begs the question: given this urban legend, why did Pfizer not make Viagra the little green pill instead of the little blue pill? Perhaps so as not to confuse them with the equally potent green MnMs? Tinfoil hats please discuss.) Again I digress. This happens when you get old.

Anyway, what occurred to me is that perhaps you can tell something about a person from the type of skittle they prefer. You’d think there might be some online test for this like there is for what color of person you are in the card game Magic: The Gathering. So I set to work researching this, and I discovered that the conclusions have already been drawn deep in the secret labs of the great old ones. They know more about us than you might imagine, and they’re taunting us with that insight via Yor’sahj’s slimes and their skittley goodness.

So, what type of skittle are you?

THE BLUE SKITTLE:

BTW, if you’re wondering where in the fuck I managed to find blue skittles, witness:

So, if you’re a blue skittle person, it turns out that you’re into taking away everyone else’s fun and enjoyment. You suck the life…or mana…out of everyone around you like some emo goth chick cutter who can’t stand to see anyone else smile unless it’s at a Pomeranian’s funeral. If you like Blue Skittles, this is you:

Not a pretty sight. I hope things improve.

THE GREEN SKITTLE

Okay, so what if you’re a green skittle? Well, green skittles are like the mother superior at some Catholic girl’s high school where all the girls really want to act like these hussies:

But instead, old Mother Superior wanders around the halls with a ruler making sure everyone’s at least four yards apart. Like its cousin the blue skittle, the green skittle is once again all about impeding everyone’s fun. If you dig green skittles, this is you:

Damn, so far being a skittle sorta sucks. Maybe things will get better with our next option.

THE PURPLE SKITTLE

Or maybe not.

I’m pretty sure the great old ones would like to fill the world with purple, green, and blue skittles. Remember how green skittles don’t want anyone to touch? Well, purple skittles are sorta the same way. Purple skittles want to keep everyone alive, but only so long as everyone’s right at death’s door. However, research leads me to believe that perhaps purple skittle people are not that bad. Consider this:

That there is Death’s Door White Whiskey proves that while purple skittle people are into the whole “almost dead” thing, they still like to have a good time. And take heart my friends, not all skittles are downers. Things are getting better.

THE BLACK SKITTLE

What. The. Fuck. There’s no such thing as black skittles, you say!

WRONG! My guess is they’re seriously fuckin’ nasty, but there are indeed black skittles:

If you really need to try them by the way, it appears that black skittles can be found in bags of Chocolate Mix Skittles. This sounds to me like something you wouldn’t ever want to put in your body, sorta like arsenic, but hey…I don’t make the news, I just report it.

Moving on. So what type of person digs on Black Skittles? Well that’s easy. The black skittle guy likes to bring all his friends to the party. Having the black skittle guy show up is sorta like dealing with the flash mobs, except unlike our example below, Yor’sahj’s black skittles are sorta homicidal.

So yeah. That’s the “Miami Pillow Fight Day” flash mob. I mean, I dig on chicks in bikinis having pillow fights and all, but really? Do these people have nothing better to do? And what the fuck do we need an official Pillow Fight Day for?

THE RED SKITTLE

This is the best type of skittle yet. Red skittles like everyone to get really close together…to hump each other like rutting dogs in a puppy pile of uninhibited love. In short, if you’re into red skittles, you dig the orgies. It turns out that red skittle lovers have been around a long time. Check out this early 19th century love fest:

I have to admit that the invite there is sort of tasteful. “Pleasure Ball” And those people got started early. 1pm! They didn’t even have green MnMs back then, much less Viagra.

THE YELLOW SKITTLE

So that brings us to the most amusing skittle…the yellow skittle. Research suggests that yellow skittle people like to do everything at high speed. Double the red skittle orgies. Double the black skittle flash mobs. Double everything. In short, if you’re into the yellow skittles, you’re a speed freak tweaker like this little fella:

As you can see, the great old ones have a good deal of insight into our species. Grandeur has done it’s part by defeating their servant Yor’sahj, but our intel suggests that perhaps the old ones have already made inroads into our society. A replacement for the Unsleeping has already been recruited from amongst our own people. Be on the lookout for the dangerous skittles master seen here:

Edits with video love will be added as soon as they’re available. Until next time, fight the old ones and don’t eat skittles.

As promised, kill videos from Teribleterry, done in spite of it’s detraction from his SWTOR obsession:

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